Knitting Through the Grief; Laura’s Personal Journey

I met Laura a few years ago when she joined my Building in Color class.  I am probably drawn to Laura because she is a lot like me.  I would say that we have very similar personalities; we are both accountants, what more can I say! Yes, I know that makes us very methodical, direct and focused but Laura is also incredibly kind.  Kind in a very gentle way that is special and rare.  When I met Laura, she had not long since lost her late husband Gerard.  She did not talk about it very much, but I could tell that her heart was broken, and she was trying to heal.  Laura and Gerard were married in 1974 and were married for 41 years.  I did not know Gerard but from the way that Laura speaks about him, I can tell that they were deeply in love.  I find that to be truly amazing in itself; to feel that way after so many years.  The loving and very gentle way that Laura talks about her husband encourages me to examine my own marriage and try to be a better wife.

Laura told me that Gerard had just gone part time at work and was very close to retirement when he suddenly became ill and then quickly passed away at the age of 67.  I am sure that they had planned to spend so much more time together than they had.  This was a very sudden and shocking loss to Laura.  Facing the days without Gerard was very difficult.  Laura picked up knitting again.  She had knit in the past, on and off for about 30 years.  She found that knitting in the evening helped her get through the time when she missed Gerard the most.  Not having him at dinner time and their special time in the evening was almost paralyzing.  Knitting through this grief gave Laura a new perspective on her loss.  Laura said, “knitting helped her to focus on what she had, instead of what she had lost.”  When Laura told me this, I was shocked at how profound it was because I too started knitting again at a very difficult point in my life and I could totally relate to what she had said.  I also felt that this is totally Laura, always finding the positive in an extremely difficult situation.  That is just who Laura is.  

It doesn’t really surprise me that Laura found some peace with knitting.  Knitting movements cause a sense of deep calm and create a meditative state.  The repetitive nature of knitting causes the mind to let go of stress and regain calm.  It distracts the mind because it causes one to focus.  About one year after Gerard passed away knitting eventually took Laura out of her house to attend some knitting classes.  She was very nervous about going out and doing things and tried a few times unsuccessfully.  Finally, she had the courage to go to that first knitting class.  Each time it was a little easier and eventually knitting became a big part of Laura’s life.  She has made so many friends through knitting by taking classes and attending knitting groups that she now can’t imagine life without her knitting friends.

Grieving has multiple stages and the time spent in each stage is different for everyone.  These are the seven stages of grieving:

• Shock
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining 
• Depression 
• Testing 
• Acceptance

Laura can relate to everything on this list.  Knitting helped her through all of these stages although it specifically helped her through the depression.  It gave her something else to focus on which distracted her mind.  She suggests that when you find something you are interested in and invest time and energy into it, it helps relieve the pain a little bit.  Her advice is not to force things too quickly, just take some time and ease yourself into new adventures.  Laura joined the knitting class because she wanted to improve her knitting skills, the friends she made were an amazing bonus that she wasn’t expecting.  Eventually the confidence that Laura gained from stepping outside her comfort zone helped her to do other things too.  Talking to people she did not know became a little easier every time.  She described to me that she eventually made so many new friends through knitting that it made it easier to do other things like going to places where she did not know anyone.  She started attending a swim class, attended group events at the senior center and would go out by herself to see a movie.  Her new friendships took the desperation and pressure away to meet people so that when she went to other events, she didn’t feel like she needed to make friends, she could just relax and enjoy the event.  Laura worked one day a week at a clothing store but recently quit her job because it was getting in the way of her social life!

In fact, Laura planned a trip to visit Brown Sheep.  Ten of us went together and had a lovely day.  When we were eating lunch together Laura realized that she had all of these ladies’ phone numbers in her phone.  She had met seven of the nine of us by just stepping out to take that first knitting class.  Two were friends before that.  She felt loved and so happy that she had these friends.  Having people in your life is so important when grieving.  Everyone needs to feel loved, cared for and accepted for who they are.  I hope that Laura felt like we needed her too that day.  After all she was the one who had planned the trip.

As I did some research on this subject I came across a list of the benefits of knitting in grief.  I thought it was so good that I wanted to share it with you.  Many people have used knitting to ease their pain.  In fact, I have another friend who turned to knitting at a very difficult time in her life too.   She found it helped in three different ways.  Firstly, the social aspect allowed her to meet new people in classes and at social events.  Secondly, the distraction of knitting was good for her mind, thinking of what to knit next and what yarn to use kept her mind busy in a more positive way.  Finally, the meditative nature of the actual knitting calmed her.  Here is a list of common responses from people in bereavement who found knitting to help.  

Benefits of knitting in grief by Comma And (commaand.co)

1. Knitting was the one thing so absorbing that it distracted from the painful thoughts such as ‘what if(s)….’
2. The steady rhythm and progress of the knitting was comforting.
3. It accompanied people, even though difficult nights of insomnia, and on long journeys.
4. When sitting with someone dying, it comforted the patient that the visitor wasn’t “wasting time” with them but was doing something by knitting.  

Laura’s journey is unique to her; however, many people find themselves grieving the loss of a loved one.  Certain times of the year are especially difficult too.  The special days; your loved one’s birthdays, anniversaries and holidays all remind you of the loss.  Thinking about the special times you had together causes such mixed emotions; the happy memories mixed with the loss and grief.  Unfortunately, loss and grief are the price we pay for loving.  Laura’s advice is to find something you enjoy and invest your time in it to help ease the pain of loss.  Laura finds that knitting is very meditative and calming. She needs to knit for a half hour minimum every day. That and a daily guided meditation helps keep her centered. Knitting might just be the perfect thing to try.  The meditative nature of knitting might be the distraction your mind and hands are looking for.  Surrounding yourself with positive influences and people who love you are often the best medicine.  

Knit with Love my Friend,